Wake UP!

I didn’t really have an idea of how women got trapped in abusive relationships.

Not every sign was a red light in my eyes.

I didn’t know that abuse didn’t have to be loud.

Abuse didn’t always involve black eyes and bloody noses.

I didn’t know that abuse didn’t require the cops.

I always said, “I would never let a man put his hands on me.”

That same confidence, disappeared once one did.

That same confidence left with the first hit.

The next thing I started saying was, “How did I get in this?”

What I was calling fun, was actually painful,

What I called playing rough was actually violence.

And the crush that I had found so attractive, was really sadistic.

He never blatantly slapped me or punched me.

I thought because he didn’t hit me in the face that he wasn’t abusive.

But how come I didn’t think getting hit during sex was abusive?

But being bent over during sex, suffocated by pillows and beaten during sex doesn’t sound like an alarm?

You see, I grew up in an abusive household, I saw the fighting, the screaming, the arguing, throwing dishes, blood being shed, guns being pulled…

I knew that wasn’t right.

I knew that this wasn’t what a happy family looked like.

All the while, I would stay out late to stay away from the pain at home.

Running into the wrong arms for love. I knew what love wasn’t.

It wasn’t what I saw at home.

But when the devil knows what you’re looking for and you’re not self aware he can blind side you.

Ladies and Gents I insert here: Watch, Fight, Pray, but most of all Watch. Everything comes with a strategy.

Fast forward back to the age 19, I am still looking for love in all the wrong places.

Knowing all along I was just angry inside. A hurt heart ran into the arms of a predator.

A manipulative light skinned, 6’7 , 245 lb guy with tattoos, to fill the void.

He was charming. I fell for him.

He opened up to me, seeing what I thought was actual emotion made me think he was safe.

I was wrong.

I was deceived.

Later , I saw other sides to him.

Sides of anger, aggression, lack of empathy, signs of a true liar.

But I couldn’t leave, something kept holding me back.

In a weird way I began to need him.

I couldn’t just quite let him go. The feeling of loneliness, agony and shame I felt being with him.

I remembered being under my bed screaming “Who lives like this? Who gets beaten like this? It’s painful, but he uses the most intimate part of me to exploit the moment, Sex.”

I couldn’t understand why after sex, when I went to the shower I saw bruises on my body, bite marks on my arms and legs.

Why did he beat me like a dog?

How can you hit me?

I thought you liked me a little.

You use my body for sex and frustration?

When did I become the punching bag?

Why am I the target?

I would say No, I didn’t like this, but his response stayed the same, “You’ll get used to it. I promise you’ll like this better next time.”

But it never got better.

I never began to like it.

It only got worse.

I’d get even more depressed as the days went on.

Why did I think that love equated to being hit like an animal?

When was I going to wake up?

When was I going to see that this isn’t okay?

Briana wake up…

Wake Up…

WAKE UP!!!!

I was at my wits end, something had to give. I couldn’t keep having sex with him in fear.

My body was covered in bruises, welts and bite marks.

I remember God used a mother figure in my life to say, “You can’t stay here anymore baby. You gotta get up from here. You have got to get out of this. You have to live.”

When I had that dream I knew that I needed to leave but I couldn’t say no. I needed God’s help, he was the only one who could give me the strength.

I decided to stop texting him and delete his number.

After praying that God would give me strength, it was so simple. Like a gift, he did. He gave me peace and hope that everything would be okay. As long as I let go of this thing. This one thing that fills a void in one area but kills my soul in another.

I built this same faith up the last time we had sex. I wasn’t afraid, but more than ever I was aware that this wasn’t what I wanted anymore.

While he was on top of me I prayed , “God, how do I get out of this? I’m tired.”

He replied and said “Just leave.”